In what promises to be the biggest White House scandal since intern fellatio, President Barack Obamaâ€™s daughter, 16-year-old Malia, has confirmed that she is pregnant.
Sources say MaliaÂ is now in her second trimester. Mother and First Lady, Michelle Obama, says that although she will be a grandmother much younger than she planned, teen pregnancy runs in the family.
â€œOn her fatherâ€™s side of course. My mother-in-law had Barack when she was 18, so I see where MaliaÂ gets it from. Iâ€™m just so excited to decorate the nursery. The White House hasnâ€™t seen a baby since oh, 1884 or so.â€
For now, Malia is staying hush-hush about the fatherâ€™s identity, but one thing she would say is that he is white. â€œMy mom always hoped I would get with a nice mixed-race man like dad, but love is so colorblind. MomÂ was probably right though. The dadÂ already left me for some tramp. And of course, like all white men, my baby-daddy wonâ€™t want to pay his child support. I already told him, â€˜You want to keep your license so you can drive that bleach-blond tramp around in your little Jaguar, right? Better step up.â€™â€
Despite her future motherhood, Malia is still considering her college options. â€œItâ€™s not like Stanford or Berkeley are going to, like, turn me down for being a teen mother. Hello, Iâ€™m the presidentâ€™s daughter. This doesnâ€™t ruin my plans for aÂ future at all. I can probably get a book deal out of this in a few years. MTV already offered to give me my own show,Â White House Baby-Momma-Drama or something stupidly titled like that.Â I was like, no way â€“ thatâ€™s so white trash.â€
President Obama says he is being supportive of his daughter, despite being as outraged as any father would be if his young daughter announced an unexpected pregnancy. â€œWeâ€™re all very relieved this little blessing happened, and thankfully in my second term.â€ When asked about his daughterâ€™s ex-boyfriend, he replied, â€œHeâ€™s just lucky I didnâ€™t have him erased. Donâ€™t mess with the Commander-in-Chief, homeboy. Ever hear of the Secret Service? Regardless, weâ€™re sure heâ€™ll come around.â€